Sunday

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Mothuh Nancy Pants, Mr. J's mom. The Janey's marked the occasion by visiting The Huntington , where some of Nancy Pants' ashes were discreetly (if not legally) scattered.

The day was not at all maudlin. In fact, Mr. J commented that rather than be sad about his mother being gone, he is grateful he got to have her for 40 years.



And check out Mr. J... Not at all intimidated by the giant cactus phallus shooting skyward behind him.







Is it because the Janey's have something similar happening in their own back yard?

Or is Mr. J just that confident?

They Like Big Boobs and They Cannot Lie...

Yeah, not so much. Although Miss J jokes about her over-sized mammaries taking over the world, in truth, she is less than amused by them. While she realizes thousands of women each year undergo surgery so they can look like this...

Miss J is not down with that shizz. From the moment her breastesses came in, they have been a source of trouble. For starters, no 13 year old girl should look 18, but that is a posting for another day. Moreover, Miss J is a sportin' lass- she still enjoys an occasional jog when she's able- and mostly the giant mams just get in the way. Miss J would have been more than happy with some perky li'l B-cups but such was not her lot in life. Breast reduction is always an option but the scarring is pretty significant. Miss J hopes as she loses weight from her binge years, the girls will shrink down a bit on their own.

In the meantime, like many women, Miss J has a difficult time finding a swimsuit that fits her top properly. If she lived in the UK, she'd have a wide variety of swimsuit tops in larger cup sizes to choose from. So why the hell is it that in a country as OBESESSED with giant bosoms as America is, its so damn difficult to find swimsuits with a larger cup size? Even in California- allegedly a "beach" state, very few shops offer tops over a D cup. Even on-line, via Figleaves , the top Miss J finally bought is from the UK. She's crossing her digits that it arrives in time for her trip to Hawaii. Oh- did she not mention that? Yeah. The Janeys are off the Hawaii on April 1, where the Tijuana Dogs have a couple gigs.

Anyhoo, Miss J did finally manage to find a place to get a suit: Excelnt Swimwear out of Michigan of all places.

They will custom make a suit for you, but of course it does take time. Unfortunately for Miss J, she didn't find them within her time frame. It takes a week to make a suit, and there is shipping. And yep, compared to the crappy swimsuit you can buy off the rack at Target, it's pricey- as anything hand-crafted is. But Miss J can only imagine it will be worth the extra few bucks for the girls to finally have the support they deserve.

Wedding Day

Miss J sure enjoys the Facebook. Especially things like "25 Random Things" that are supposed to enlighten friends on things they might not know about you. Today, Miss J read her friend Miss G's note "Wedding Day".

Something Miss J doesn't discuss here is how very much in love with her own wedding she was. Obsessed and obsessive. Not a bridezilla, but not far from it. The thing is, once the wedding is over, nobody really wants to hear or talk about it anymore and what a sad, empty feeling that is. Miss J could regurgitate crap about her weddin' for days. "Oh, we did this because..." and "Did you know that in Scotland, brides used to...?" Blah blah effin' blah. Needless to say, Miss J HASTILY shared her wedding details with her Facebook friends... Not even thinking, or considering she might get this response:

This is in NO WAY directed at you, personally, but the feelings that flared up in me when I saw this surprised me, so thought I’d start bitching about it. But it's NOT aimed at you... just the situation.

1. How old were you?
Well, I was in my mid 20’s when I was asked, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

2. What jobs did you and your fiance / husband have?
I had an office job and he was a graduate student, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

3. How long was your engagement?
it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

4. What shape of diamond was your wedding ring?
There was none, because but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

5. What season were you married in?
Never, it wasn’t legal.

6. Who married you?
Anyone who tried could have either been kicked out of their church or worse, but it didn’t matter, because it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

7. Who was your maid / matron of honor? Who was his best man?
Never got that far, because but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

8. Was your wedding dress white?
Neither of us would have worn dresses, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

9. What were your colors?
Something that would’ve matched or complimented my eyes, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

10. How many bridesmaids?
Never got that far because it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

11. Did you have a flower girl and/or ring bearer?
Wouldn’t have had even if it were legal.

12. What flowers did you have for your bouquet?
No bouquets, but I do like sunflowers for decoration, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

13. What kind of flowers did your bridesmaids carry?
No bouquets for bridesmaids, but I do like sunflowers for decoration, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

14. Did the groom wear a black tux?
Not sure what we would’ve done… but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

15. Where was the ceremony?
I wouldn’t have cared, but he was Catholic, so who knows, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

16. Did you wear comfortable shoes or neck-breaker high heels?
It would’ve been comfortable shoes, but it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

17. Who gave you away?
There was nothing to give anything away to, because it wasn’t legal, so it didn’t matter.

18. What was the most memorable part of the ceremony?
I’ll never know, because it wasn’t legal.

19. Did you have a reception?
We would have, but it wasn’t legal, so it wasn’t an option.

20. What was your favorite gift?
I’ll never get gifts for weddings, babies, housewarmings, etc.

21. What was your least favorite gift?
The gift of religion in political amendments

22. What kind of cake did you have?
I would have wanted one with some kind of butter cream type frosting

23. Disc Jockey or Live Band?
I wouldn’t have cared, but it wasn’t legal, so it wasn’t an issue.

24. What was the name of the song for your first dance?
It probably would have been NO SE TU.

25. Who caught the bouquet?
No bouquets, because…

26. What kind of vehicle did you leave in?
Nothing to leave from…

27. If you could change one thing about your wedding day what would you change?
I would have liked to have had one.

Just reading this makes Miss J cry, especially in the context of thinking of it compared to her own wedding. NOT BEING ALLOWED TO MARRY! what the fucking fuck???

The people that the motherfucker PROP H8 was aimed at have a face. Miss J's friend is one of them.

St. Patty's Evenin'

Miss J journeyed over to S and G's and by 7:00 was tucking into an amazing meal of home made soad bread (note the absence of raisins. According to Mr. S, his research indicated that authentic soda bread does not contain dried fru-its. And if it does, it's called "spotted dick".) Miss J was only to happy to abstain from the spotted dick last evening- there was enough of that nonsense in her 20s.

What can be said of this moist and delicious bread with its crunchy crust?

"More, please." It was delish without butter but naturally Miss J had to try it with a bit of her favorite cholesterol-raising spread... She nearly lost her mind.

Miss J's been on a beef embargo but happily broke it for this Irish stew. Maybe next time she tries to donate platelets, she'll actually be able to thanks to this hearty fare. Doncha love bitches who can cook???

How about this cake? Makes Miss J think of the green of the Irish hills. Which she has never seen, except in movies. Oh, well.

Triple layer chocolate stout cake. Yeaah! It was outta this world. And there were left-overs. Which are waiting at home for the Janeys. Stout cake, your days are numbered.

Thanks, S and G. Love you both!

Éirinn go brách, bitches!

You bet your green arse Miss J is Irish- at least a quarter. Mamaw Cricket is a black Irish beauty whose maiden name is "Rawlings". Miss J remembers when her little fam lived with Mamaw Cricket and each St. Paddy's Day, the rancid smell of corned beef and cabbage permeated the entire house. Natch as a kid, Miss J was too chickenshit to even try that food. After dinner, much beer and whiskey would be consumed, usually ending with someone cryin' in thar cups.

It's been several years since Miss J has celebrated St. Paddy's proper. Standing in other revelers' green beer barf ceased being amusing some time ago. Fortunately, friends S and G are serving up some Irish stew and soda bread this eve', and have asked Miss J to join them. Mr. J will be bangin' his skins with the Tijuana Dogs at the Auld Dubliner where he is very likely to encounter some green beer barf, poor bloke. We'll miss ye, Mr. J!

Which reminds Miss J of this post from last year, which she includes here because of the Irish theme:

Someone out there needs to invent a machine for recording dreams. We could analyze them endlessly and post them on our blogs, and on You Tube. There couls be a contest fro "Scariest", "Sexiest, and "Most Freudian".

All this is prompted by the fact that last night, at 1:30, Miss Janey woke the Mister screaming, "You're a skirt chaser!" With an Irish accent, no less.



"SKIRTCHASER!"





That is a dream she'd like to watch over and over. Sadly, she has no recollection of it whatsoever so that will be impossible.

So, all you brainiacs out there get busy creating the Dream Machine. Miss Janey feels she's missing out on a whole other life while she's sleeping.

From A Dover Attic, Hats Of Distinction

By KIM HOEY • Special to The News Journal

Photos: The News Journal/BOB HERBERT

Miss J loves this story. First of all, it's about hats... Second, it's about taking a bad situation (losing a job) and using it to create an opportunity. That is truly fabulous!

DOVER -- Constance "Conney" Borda liked hats. She wore hats and, as a hobby, she made hats. Then her job as a graphic designer was outsourced to a computer.

Sitting behind a computer screen moving a mouse around wasn't Borda's idea of art. So instead of moving to a corporate cubicle, she opted to move to an attic office and move fur velour around.

Borda custom makes fine ladies' hats through her company, Eggcup Designs. She runs it out of her Dover attic. Her hats are found on heads throughout the country, including some in Hollywood and New York. One of her biggest sales areas is Kentucky during Derby time.


"We would like people to know there are baseball caps, and then there is millinery," said Fred Borda, Conney's husband and head of sales for the company. Hats from Eggcup are created the old-fashioned way with each hat blocked, lined and trimmed by hand from quality imported materials, a very time-consuming process. They are unique accessories designed to accentuate faces and protect heads from the elements. There is a hat for every head, according to the Bordas.

"If a man wants a lady to look at her face, she should buy a hat," said Fred Borda. "In the '20s and '30s every woman wore a hat, and every woman looked good."

He created a brochure for Eggcup retailers that gives information on what type of hat should work with what type of face. When hats were a staple of every woman's wardrobe, clerks were trained in how to help a woman chose the correct hat for her face, said Borda. While stores that specialize in hats have such trained sales help, most other stores do not.

Other information in the pamphlet and on their Web site www.eggcupdesigns.com explains types of hats and how to care for them. Both places also includes information on how to wear a hat. That information begins with, "the tag always goes in the back."

complete article here

THE EGGCUP WAY

Adapted from www.eggcupdesigns.com

Hand blocking: Material is steamed and stretched over a wooden shape called a hat block. In a couple of hours the material takes the shape of the block. This is a more delicate process than metal pressing or stamping, which is used to mass-produce hats. Hand blocking does not crush the nap or dull the vibrancy of colors.

Hand lining: A good hat should be lined, which creates a comfort barrier between the hat and head. Hair should not get snagged in straw or matted against the hat.

Hand trimming: Trimmings are sewn on, not hot-glued into place. They can be taken off and changed if desired. Removing a hot-glued trim could ruin the hat.

Materials: For our fall/winter line we use fur velour. It is softer and more plush than fur or wool felt. Colors look more vibrant on velour. In spring/summer we use hand-woven, dyed straws from Central America and Asia with some evocative names: Balibuntal, paribuntal, bakou, panama, parisisol, sinamay, jinsin and visca.

Illin'

Miss J has been sick for almost a week, thus the measly number of posts since last Monday. At this time, she'd like to give a shout-out the her a-hole work mates who INSIST on bringing their illnesses to work to pass along to others.

Dear Sick BossMan,

Something you may not know about Miss J, she has a damn puny resistance when it comes to nose and throat infections. Your sniffles will become Miss J's bronchitis. You won't miss a day of work, but Miss J will be out a week. So if you MUST insist on believing that you are so invaluable to this place that you HAVE to be here, at least have the decency to stay in your own office and keep you filthy germs to yourself. Do not cozy up to Miss J and tell her you're looking for oj, or anything with vitamin C, do not repeatedly come to her desk asking if she's seen your fax (tracking faxes is not her job, BTW) when you could more easily pick up the phone and buzz her. Just stay away from her, K? Normally, Miss J has no qualms about saying to her work associates, "Oh, you're sick? Please stay away from me. Yeah, I'm not even kidding." Your rank as Big Cheese was the only thing the prevented her from directing you thusly but she will not make that mistake again. You have been warned.

Heat, Humidity or Unhealthy Eating Habit?

Woman has 911 meltdown over McNuggets


Another crazy from Miss J's birth state of Florida, and from Mama Janey's resident town, Fort Pierce...

Miss J completely understands this situation. While other bitches reserve the use of 911 for when they've cut off a foot with the lawn mower, MIss J likes to use it for everything, She called 911 six times when she couldn't figure out why her damn pictures she was posting here on Blogger were so big . Unfortunately, they didn't know either. Which reminds her, she needs to give them another call.


FORT PIERCE, Fla. - Authorities say a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets.
A police report says 27-year-old Fort Pierce resident Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece last week but was later informed the restaurant had run out.
She says she was refused a refund and told all sales were final. A cashier told police she offered Goodman a larger portion of different food for the same price, but Goodman became irate.

"This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one," Goodman told police, according to The Stuart News. "This is an emergency."
Police say Goodman was cited on a misuse of 911 charge. A current phone listing for Goodman couldn't be found.
A McDonald's spokesman says Goodman should have been given a refund, and she's being sent a gift card for a free meal.

Avalon

Miss J is happy to report that Saturday night's first installment of Avalon Terrace went very well. Admittedly, her part in it was just so-so. Not great, not horrible. She's very proud of her follow actors, all of whom were outstanding.

Miss J's interweb friend Ray Ray from the Messy American was their with his charming husband, OC. Miss J was thrilled that they were in attendance. Miss J has performed around town for years, in plays, sketch comedy and improvisation. If she had a dollar dollar for every person who promised to attend a show but never got around to it, she could quit her day job and retire to a mansion! She gets it- people have the best of intentions but, sometimes, it's easier to stay home and chill with Tivo. So it is a VERY big deal that Ray Ray and OC were there. Miss J sends a big shout-out of thanks.

Here is what Ray Ray had to say:

"One of my favorite elements of the evening was the character named Even, the son of the patriarch. He was formerly Steven but then his personality split, and he was sometimes evil Ian, but he worked it out and his personalities came back together, and then he became Even. (Hope I got that right Miss J). It was campy and fun, and the actors were obviously having a good time. It must be hard to do what they were doing and pull it off successfully! Kudos to Miss J and the rest of her troup!"

Jim Babcock plays Even Montgomery. Miss Janey thinks he is a gifted performer and over-acceptor extraordinaire.

photos: Matthew Scott Drake , Jessica Jimenez