Something Sequins

Years ago, when Miss J worked as a singer in Japan, she had an agent from Korea named Kyoko. Miss Kyoko's favorite suggestion for imroving one's show (and possibly life) was to advise, "You should doing something sequins." Miss J and her best friend quickly adopted this phrase as a life mantra, a fix-all for any problem or just a method of making things a little better. Can't pay your gas bill? "Doing something sequins". It is advice that has served them both well over the years.

Miss J is excited to be taking part in show this Saturday. Miss J’s Impro-mey Jessica Perry has been leading an Improvised Soap Opera class at the Impro theatre. Her students’ final class is a performance. Miss J has been invited to guest star as Nana Cooper. The setting is Scandal Harbor some time in the 1980s. When else would it be set but during the heyday era of the night time soap opera? And what is perfect adornment? Sequins, of course.



There is almost nothing Miss J enjoys more than taking on a role like this. As created by Miss J, Nana Cooper is bossy, nosey, domineering and all-up-in-her son Donavan’s bid-ness. Gravel-voiced and salt o’ the earth, Nana is convinced her son should marry soon and give her grand-children. And he should not marry the girl he loves, Laura (or as Nana calls her, Whora) but her identical twin Emily, who Nana favors.

Miss J has been scouring Ebay for some suitable 80’s garb. She's already purchased this hideous thing... Talk about doing something sequins.

SO 80s grandma, right? For Miss J, the green symbolizes Nana's jealous nature. The sequins add some pizzazz to her workday outfit. She helps run her son's restaurant. This is sparkly enough to be look "nice" but is practical for work.

But then Miss got to thinking. On soaps, even grandmas look younger and hotter than grandmas in the real world. So maybe the sweater route is too dowdy.

She's looking for something that's all shine and shoulder pads…

...something to convey the era, and something that says, Money, earned the hard way, with not much taste to go with it.

Miss J would love this dress for her Avalon Terrace character Chris Chamberlain. An occassion dress, of course, not something she'd wear in her position as a high-powered lady attorney, but just the thing for a party. Alas, Miss J's breasts, still on their mission to world domination, would NOT be contained within its golden confines.

And so, the search continues. Whatever she decides upon, in the immortal words of Kyoko, Miss J will be doing something sequins

Curious Case of Boring Button

Suhweet sick jubesus was this movie a snore fest. AND- Miss J hasn't even watched the damn thing in its entirety yet! More proof that just because you CAN do something does not mean you SHOULD do somethting.

This movie would have been very difficult to make (or impossible if you wanted to use the same actor throughout as they did) when F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote his short story "Curious Case of Benjamin Button". Miss J must point out that what Mr. Fitzgerald wrote was a short story- not a gdamned epic novel that requires three gdamn hours when put on film. So you know what that means- a lot of Hollywood style fillers and sentiment, in case we're too f'ing stupid to realize This Story has Deep Meaning. (Miss J wasn't surprised to learn that writer Eric Roth also wrote Forrest Gump. Another movie that was far too long and chock fulla sentimetal dreck to teach us all What's Important in Life.) Miss J doesn't know why she gets so aggravated- the movie is pretty much exactly what she expected. Slow as molasses in a freezer in February, with a bunch of unneeded characters so as to remind us, "Hey, he's abandoning his child exactly like his own father did to him, but this time, its for noble reasons." NONE of which happened in Fitzgerald's story, which for Miss J's money was much better written and more compelling and interesting. Miss J recommends spending the time you might use watching this 166 minute snorefest, to reading the story here . Maybe not one of Fitzgerald's best, but still better than the movie.

Just so her readers won't get the impression that Miss J hates everything, she did receive something from Netflix this week that she did enjoy and must recommend: Sunshine Cleaning. At 91 minutes, its a resonable length. The writing is wonderful- smart and subtle, allowing the viewer to surmise a thing or two for themselves. Amy Adams just gets better with every film she does, as does co-star Emily Blunt, and they have great chemistry as sisters struggling to get their messy lives in order.

Step Right UP!

Prepare yourselves friends, for something so shocking, so horrifying that normally, it would only be seen and heard at the circus side show... Please steel yourselves. Ladies with weak stomachs, go elsewhere NOW! Those who choose to remain, you have been warned.

Two weeks ago, Miss J was playing in her front yard with the dogs. The night before a windstorm had knocked down a bunch of palm fronds and Miss J ran slap into one. You know the really HARD spikes near the end that are like little wooden spears? One of them jabbed into her. Yes, it hurt like a bitch and Miss J cursed like one.

Later, she became convinced the thing was still stuck in her leg. She begged Mr. J to tweeze it out and he gave it his best try but had no luck. Even this minor at-home surgery was intensely painful so when he suggested getting out a needle, Miss J demurred.

Later that day, Miss J noticed the every step she took caused a shooting pain from the wound down to her toes. Over the next couple days, the pain decreased, even as the swelling and discoloration increased. Miss J decided to ignore it for a while, see if it would “take care of itself”. You know how wounds are inclined to do that. If you’re a dog, that is. If you’re a human, not so much.

So last week, (and be warned, here’s where things get hairy) Miss J could feel the area around the wound hardening. She was beginning to envision things like giant needles and scalpels in her future. So she gave the thing a little squeeze. A shot of pain was followed by all sorts of goo issuing forth… For the past week, this has been her daily ritual. Disgusting, no? And then this morning, THIS...

  emerged from her leg!

BEHOLD! Looks BIG to be lodged in a gal’s leg, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it IS!!! It measures more than half an inch long! Yes, ladies and gents- it’s a monster! Half human, half plant, it crawls on it's belly like a reptile and it’s been living inside Miss J's shin! And for this week only, you all can view it for FREE.

Next week, Miss J will encase it in glass and charge a buck and a half per view.

Fearsome Lady Pirate

Here is Miss J as Ringlet Red, a character she once played in a children's show, adapted for a more adult crowd for Halloween. As has been her habit for several years, Miss J worked the door at her dear friend Miss Lola's Halloween Open House. Miss J quickly discovered an amazing thing about pirates: they can say anything and get away with it. One mother did not take kindly to Miss J's remarks about her little pirate son, "Argh, laddie. Ifn you be a few years older..." that's actually as far as Miss J got before Mom said, "OK- we're going!" and whisked the mini pirate away.

And speaking of the little ones, Miss J enjoys the hell out of seeing them all dressed up for Halloween. She loves making them say, "Trick or Treat" before she'll dole out candy, and of course asking to explain themselves when they are costumeless. She does NOT enjoy them so much when she's eating her morning-after-Halloween breakfast at a local eatery and they're screeching loud enough to peel the paint off the walls. Parents- REALLY??? You can't take them the hell outside rather than making the rest of us suffer with you? Miss J didn't have children for a reason. She'd rather not have to endure yours under such circumstances. If you don't want to have to control them, how about at least staying at home?

OUTRAGE

If you haven't seen the excellent documentary, Outrage , Miss Janey suggests you do whatever you can to see it in its entirety. Its currently running on HBO.

According to Wikipedia, "Outrage is a 2009 American documentary film written and directed by Kirby Dick about closeted gay politicians who promote anti-gay legislation. It premiered at the 2009 Tribeca Film Festival before being released theatrically on May 8, 2009."

Normally Miss J isn't a fan of media-launched outings. Its her belief that people should come out in their own time and way. (That's not to say she isn't interested in the lurid details of celebrity sex, even if it is none of her business, but that isn't what she's talking about.) These mother fucking political hypocrites like Larry Craig, who legislate against gays while sneaking off for anonymous gay sex at airports need to be exposed.

Miss Manners

Miss J's recent purchase of George Washington's "Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation" has her very occupied with thoughts of Civility & Decent Behavior. Coincidentally, over at Teeny Manolo , part of Manolo the Shoeblogger's empire, Glinda is asking Is Chivalry Dead? And Do Women Want it To Be?

Miss J responds below:

Miss J hopes chivalry isn't dead, for the sake of ALL of society. Miss J holds the door for other women and men because it is right and decent. She doesn't expect someone to hold a door for her because she's a woman, but she hopes they do because she's a person on the planet who deserves at least a modicum of respect. In such an instance both holder and holdee benefit from this small kindness. The holder of the door can be satisfied knowing they did a kind thing for someone else and the person who had the door held for them can be reminded that human kindness is contagious and they can pass it along to the next person.

Miss J is flattered that her husband opens the car door for her just as her husband is happy that she sometimes makes him his favorite: macaroni salad. That Miss J can cook and and wears lipstick makes her no less a feminist- just a human with many interests who refuses to accept the stereotype of "feminist" as someone who can't abide simple courtesy just because its offered by a man. Gracious manners and courtesy to others should be commended and encouraged in everyone.

Civility and Decent Behavior

For his birthday back in September, Mama Janey gifted Mr. J (and Miss J) with a membership to the The Huntington Library. Thanks, Mama! Of course, the Huntington is so much more than a library. Miss J has written previously of its splendors. The grounds are extensive with plants from all over the globe, Japanese and Chinese gardens, and a wonderful art collection. The Janeys have taken to dropping by now whenever they have a free hour or two.

Naturally, there is a gift shop. Last Saturday, Miss J purchased George Washington's "Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation". When Miss J was planning her wedding, she became obsessed with etiquette books. She could not turn away from this. According to the foreword, "George Washington exhibited notable manners throughout his lifetime". Too bad so many contemporary politicians have not followed his example! Also according to the foreword, "At the age of 14 G.W. wrote down 110 rules under the title, "Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation". These rules were drawn from an English translation of a French book" and blah, blah, blah. Since Miss J can think of nothing else to blog about these days, she will share these rules with her gentle readers, and add commentary as she sees fit.

1) Every action done in company ought to be with some kind of respect to those that are present.

2) When in company, put not your hands to any part of the body, not usually discovered.

Of course #2 interests Miss J very much. You men who insist on adjusting your Man Snake in public, please take note. Ignore the "not usually discovered" part and just keep your hands off it till you get home. Then feel free to lube up and have you way with yourself all night long if you want. Same for you, public masturbators. Miss J once took an umbrella the the wiener of a public pud-puller in Japan. Don't point your stuff toward Miss j ifn you wanna keep it.

LOOK OoouuT! Rocktober has arrived.

Which means, its once again time for the Janey Haunted October Film Fest.

Miss J has improv class tonight but isn't feeling too swell. She's a wee bit hot and clammy... She may stay home and rewatch perennial favorite "The Silence of the Lambs"...

Miss J wrote this about it last year... "Oscar rubbed the lotion on its body in 1992 for Jodie Foster (Best Actress), Sir Anthony Hopkins (Best Actor), Jonathan Demme (Best Director), Ted Tally (Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material from Another Medium), and Best Picture.

By the way, what a nasty little fashion critic Dr. Lecter is. Would these little quips not get in your head and scratch at your psyche all day long?

“You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste.” At least he allows that Clarice has some taste, but cheap shoes- ouch! If someone said that to you, face it- you’d HAVE to burn those freaking shoes as soon as possible. Because if you didn’t, every time you saw them, you’d hear those accusing and judgmental words.

Later, Lecter told Senator Martin, “Oh, and Senator, just one more thing: love your suit!” Again, the words, and especially the venomous tone with which they were delivered would have rattled around Miss J’s head all day were they directed at her. She can imagine returning home after work and saying, “Well, our daughter’s still kidnapped, and, uh, what do you think of this suit? Is it too mannish?” Then she’d stand in front of the mirror trying to decide if HL really meant he loved the suit of if he was just effing with her. She’d never be able to decide so she’d have to burn the suit, too.

It’s like Jack Crawford said to Clarice, “Believe me, you don't want Hannibal Lecter inside your head.”

Oh, and apropos of nothing, Miss Janey once had a very dirty dream featuring Sir Anthony. Mr. J torments her about it to this day. People will say we’re in love." Since teenage singing sensation Jason was seemingly her only follower to read it, Miss J feels fine repeating it.

OR she may go ahead and go to class and infect all her Impromies with her virus cuz that's what people seem to do these days. This is one of Miss J's pet peeves, especially because another person's sniffles is Miss J's bronchitis/flu. Miss J seems to have NO natural resistance to these things and when she's down with them, stays down forever. Miss J doesn't even feign concern for others anymore. If they're sick and at work, she makes it plain they should not be anywhere in her vicinity for any reason. So do us all a favor, sickies, and stay the hell home. The world won't stop if you're not sitting at your desk.

Speaking of infections... one movie that's in her queue is Zombieland .

The Janey Haunted October... It's ALIIIVE!